Optimistic.

Yesterday my mother and I traveled to the Atlanta MS Center to meet with my new specialist. I don't even want to describe the anger I had/have towards this man. He spent twenty minutes with me and not having read my file or new patient info, refused to even talk about my MS without another MRI.

After some obvious anger he prescribed me on neurontin, an anti-seizure medication designed to help manage pain of those with nerve damage. I'm taking the first one as we speak; it has some really harsh side-effects. Goody.

Sigh, I'm just ready for some answers.

No radiohead song titles can describe this post...

Today started off as a horrible day. I woke up ready to drown myself in my own sadness, which I did for the first few hours. I wept, I yelled, I felt everything.

I allowed the majority of today to be an opportunity to examine everything about myself-- what has happened to my once solid and strong emotions, and also to get a clear mind about is happening to my body. Although my disability is not what it may be one day, it is still so frightening... and painful.

Today I also worried about college. I was nervous about my parents paying the outrageous out- of -state tuition, worried I'd be too sick to stay up there, etc. Then a sweet friend, Alicia Harrell, told me about how I can get tuition money through the Georgia Department of Labor Rehabilitation. Isn't that a sign? Thanks Alicia...

All in all this was a much harder day than I had expected it would be. I'm anxious about my appointment Thursday; hoping I can get the answers I want/need, and also praying that my new specialist knows exactly how my kind of MS works and will keep me alive and in good shape WITHOUT anymore disability.

The Bends

I very well may be writing to myself. That's okay, I suppose.

In my journey to live a somewhat normal life, I've learned that said journey is easier said than done. I've been battling with a myriad of new symptoms-- in the face, and especially in my arms. Not only have my symptoms been exacerbated, but my emotions have been as well. I'm finding it very difficult to gain the support I feel I need from the people I wish to get it from. With that said though, I am so very grateful to the wonderful girl friends I have who have made this transition an easier one.

I seem to find myself in the same position over and over again; certain that I can cling to others and forget what my future (my medical future) has in store for me. I keep finding out the hard way this is not so. How does anyone with MS do this? I feel incredibly vulnerable and sad all the time-- I've become a person I no longer recognize. Fear may be fueling these feelings, but am I going to be scared until I'm finally in a wheelchair or on my deathbed? There must be some solution to dealing with stress this severe and frightening.

Now I'm just mad.

No Surprises.

The inspiration of this blog comes from my recent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. While I hate everything about the disease, it seems to be the main topic of my discussions-- sorry friends.

I feel that by expressing how I feel in words will be therapeutic to myself and will perhaps create more lively discussion topics between my friends and me.

I want to write about my experience with the disease so people I love can understand. While this is personal matter, I feel the need to share it, be comfortable with it, and be accepted for it.

*MS is an autoimmune disease of the central nervous system where the body's own immunity is destroying the myelin sheath protecting the spine, brain, and optic nerves, causing lesions to form; resulting in nerve failure, paralysis, blindness, and in some cases death.*

I feel that I'm living in a continual nightmare. My days are unpredictable, my emotions are weak, and my patience is thin. I wonder; am I being punished for something? Only this kind of excruciating torture is used for punishment.

To catch up to current times, I'll rewind a bit.

I went to see a general neurologist in February due to extreme, atypical migraines. After a preliminary MRI and lumbar puncture, I was sent to see a specialist at Emory. Finally after months of confusion and uncertainty of my diagnosis, I was told for certain that I had Multiple Sclerosis. My heart sank. Although I was prepared to hear said diagnosis, it was still nothing short of shocking; surreal; terrifying. While crying in the waiting room after my appointment, I saw a middle-aged man slowly pacing around with assistance from a walker; suffering and dying from ALS-- a disease that would make one beg for cancer. Ever since then I've been especially thankful for my legs.

I would return back to Emory after I finished up school for a follow up appointment to look at options for treatments. During the time passed I had been on many drugs including Topamax, Lyrica, and Verapamil, with no success. Anyway, I traveled back to Emory, nervous but confident, as my MS specialist is nothing short of brilliant, to find that my MS lesions (found on my brain during the first MRI) had advanced to my spine, causing pausy of the hands, nerve irritation, and numbness of the arms and legs. I left feeling a little shorter and a lot more worried than I had been before.

My parents and I collectively decided to get another opinion, I was given appointment to the Atlanta MS Center and also to Shepherds Spine Hospital. I accepted the Atlanta MS appointment and am waiting anxiously until my appointment next week. I was told at Emory to decide which treatment to start and when to start it. I'm still overwhelmed by those commands, but have none the less done my research on all four MS drugs.

I am terrified of what my future holds. I am exhausted from the sickness. And I am wishing with every bone in my body that someone would find a way to cure this.